Tears: a Painful Privilege

"Let your tears come. Let them water your soul." Eileen Mayhew

It's not unusual for me to witness the tears of more than one person in a day. There have been lots of tears shed this week. At different times, and for different reasons. Sharing in another's emotions is both a privilege and a responsibility. Bearing witness to someone's inner world is always humbling.

Tears speak things that it may not be able to say in any other way. They are a visible demonstration and external manifestation of an inner process. Tears can be cathartic. For some people, crying is part of their everyday routine. For others, tears are something to hide and crying something to be done only in private. For others, tears are a last resort; a final surrender. Tears can release. Tears can cleanse.

For some, crying is the only way to heal. We may recall sobbing in the aftermath of temper tantrums, and the enormous conversion of emotional experience that took place in this way. Tears reconnect us with a deep and primal experience, as we become vulnerable to our true self and experience.

I have known individuals experience shifts in physical symptoms having 'learnt' to cry (or rather un-learned their defences to their tears). For some, crying has been a more powerful antidote than medications as it has restored their ability to regulate and soothe. Tears can be part of a healthy relationship, and crying in the presence of a loved one can itself deepen the relationship.

More often than not, it takes practice to cry, and even more so to do so in front of someone else. We may have grown up with messages such as 'you've got nothing to cry about' or 'there's no point in crying; tears will get you nowhere'. We may have been led to believe that 'boys don't cry' or that crying will signal failure or weakness. Worse still we might have developed a fear that to cry might itself be overwhelming, and we might never stop. Whilst the tears shed by the courageous individuals before me have been numerous, I have never known anyone drown in them.

"The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep."

Henry Maudsley

Comments

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