Bringing my own sunshine as I approach dim corridors

It's a big week. Not only does Charlotte face round five of chemo, toxic nastiness to battle the alien but she will learn how effective the efforts so far have proved. Medical science has come a long way and oncology is evolving weekly, but the opponent is a stern one. Halfway through the planned eight cycles, and it's time to take stock and measure progress. Prayers have been said, and every digit crossed and the truth is shortly to be revealed. She has done her bit. She's had needles inserted and veins exhausted in the process. Bloods have been taken. CT scans performed. Toxic chemicals have been issued. Hair has fallen from her scalp in clumps. She's been sicker than any dog we know. Surely, this hasn't all been for nought.

"Cancer is a word, not a sentence."

John Diamond

There is no bargaining power to be had. This is non negotiable. All that can be done has been and now we need to let go and hand over the outcome to whatever it is that each of us believe in. For me, this and everything else, good and bad, beautiful or ugly, is part of a bigger plan. I am a character in a play that continues to unfold a day at a time the plot and storyline I may never know and am unlikely to ever fully comprehend. We are all given demons we must face, and thrown hurdles we must learn to leap. Obstacles aplenty, challenges in abundance. We learn and we grow. We grit our teeth and we find ways to survive. We accept our lot whilst putting the action in to change those things we can and we thrive. This has been my experience, both personally and inferred from that which I have observed.

"People are made of flesh and blood and a miracle fibre called courage."

Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

They say courage is fear that has said its prayers. I have no clue what it is that I pray to. I couldn't draw a picture of it, and I wouldn't recognise it if we came face to face. But I have faith in the unimaginable which gives me hope that the seemingly unjust will come right, and that the apparently impossible may one day be within reach. Just as I can't explain how electricity works yet I wouldn't be without it, I don't think to question that there is a power greater than myself directing this lifetime and all that I encounter along the way. Right now, I have more pressing issues to concern myself starting with a significant oncology appointment to which I'll shortly be accompanying my dear brave friend.

"The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it."

C.C. Scott

Comments

Table. Apple. Penny.

Whilst there were several places I might have been that morning, I wouldn't have been anywhere else. The practitioner from the Memory Service arrived promptly. I liked her instantly. Mum was nervous. I think I was a little, too. It's been a difficult year. "It's Friday, it's the fourteenth of December and I'm at home..." No problems there. CAMCOG, or the Cambridge Cognitive Examination is a thorough assessment tool used to assess the extent of extent of dementia, and to assess the level of cognitive impairment. The standardised measure assesses orientation, language, memory, praxis, attention, abstract thinking, perception and calculation. "Table. Apple. Penny." Three everyday items that were introduced at one point, and then referred to again later on. Again, Mum was able to recall each. I am reminded that the only three certainties in life are old age, sickness and death. Not

Glass half full? Glass half empty? Or perhaps the glass is broken

I am, constitutionally, a glass half empty gal. I will always first acknowledge what I don't have, what I have lost, and what it is that I am seeking. I tend to overlook my strengths, concentrating only on those bits of me that are underdeveloped or weak. I refer to myself as a realist, but in doing so compliment myself and insult those who genuinely are simply realistic. My modus operandi is to identify what's not working and acknowledge this before seeing more clearly what functions perfectly well. This has its place: I edit others' written work pretty well. My fastidious attention to detail serves me, and the author. Accuracy counts, for me and I have an excellent memory. I can remember a great many of my sessions with clients verbatim. Even this asset is something I can, and do, diminish the true value of, by concentrating on 'I should have said...' or 'why didn't.... occur to me during the session?' Earlier this week I was crudely

Pausing in the sunshine

And so, chemo is over. My best friend's diary has been chocker... Line cleans, blood tests, scans and 18 weekly doses of the gruelling treatment itself. Summer seems at last to have arrived and with it, we hope, some time, peace and space. She is, we acknowledged over a rather yummy luncheon served to us beneath the beautiful canopy of creepers and climbers at Petersham Nurseries, an inspiration. A small group of us gathered to celebrate her forthcoming marriage. The sun's rays joined the warmth we all have for this very special woman. Warmth and, in my case at least, pride. It is the greatest privilege to call this woman my best friend. She continues to epitomise my understanding of grace. Our bodies are fragile things. Our minds are frailer still. In her composure and wisdom, she possesses an outlook I can only aspire to adopt. From you, dear Charlotte, I learn and I learn and I learn. The only person who is educated is the one who has

The Reward is the Journey

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