Saturday 6 August 2011

Insubstantial Apologies

"We're sorry to inform passengers on Platform 1 awaiting the 14:16 to London King's Cross that this service has been delayed..."

The 14:16 arrived at 14:39.  There was still a chance we might make up time en route to London, and that the delay might be reduced. 

Until...

"This is your Customer Service Leader.  We apologise for the delay to your service this afternoon.  This was due to an earlier problem with line-side equipment.  We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause you but this delay is beyond the control of East Coast railways."

This announcement caused me to think about apologies.

Amends need to be heart felt.  Apologies should, at least, be sincere. 

Apologies can very easily become meaningless.  Apologising for something you don't feel genuinely sorry for, or about, will tend to undermine any value your apology might carry. 

Shame can drive us to apologise when we shouldn't.  Shame can prompt us to feel as though we should apologise for being the person we are, or for our very existence. 

Apologies should not contradict themselves; in offering an apology we make a commitment to change something.  When we say 'I'm sorry, but...' we devalue the apology, leaving it worth less than it should, if not devoid of any worth.  This may in turn have unintended but parallel consequences on our own self worth, and self esteem.   

'Sorry' - the hardest word?

Apparently not...  'Sorry' is reported to be said 368million times a day in the UK.




"A stiff apology is a second insult.... The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt." 
G.K. Chesterton


There are several ingredients to be included within a genuine apology:

An apology should contain a specific reference to what has gone wrong. 

You can't apologize effectively if you don't know what you are apologizing for.  If you don't think you did anything wrong, then express regret or sadness for the feeling that someone is experiencing as a result of what you did. 

Presuming the effect was unintended, the basis of the apology often lies in not having foreseen how your actions would affect this person, realizing that the benefits of the action did not outweigh the unforeseen consequences, and wanting to compensate for your oversight.

Be specific about the incident so that the recipient knows exactly what you're apologizing for.  Make it a point to avoid using the word "but". ("I am sorry, but..." means "I am not sorry.")

Do not say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you were offended."  Be sorry for what you did.  "I'm sorry you feel that way" makes it seem like you are blaming the other person, and is not a real apology.  Validate their feelings or discomfort by acknowledging your transgression's (potential) effects, while taking responsibility

An apology needs to take full responsibility for what has happened. 

Admit that you were wrong emphatically, unreservedly, and immediately.  An incomplete apology often feels more like an insult. 

It should not seek to blame others, or present mitigating circumstances. 

An apology with an excuse is simply not an apology.  It may very well be that other people or circumstances contributed to the situation, but you cannot apologise for them; you can only apologise for yourself, so leave them out of it.

Timing is important.

Sometimes immediately after your mistake is best, sometimes it's better to wait.  The sting of a harsh word can be cooled right away with a quick apology, but other offenses might need the other person to cool down before they are willing to even listen to your next sentence.  However, the sooner you apologize for your mistake, the more likely it will be viewed as an error in judgment and not a character flaw.

An apology should offer amends.  If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Think about what caused you to make the offense.  Is it because you're a little too laid back about being on time, or remembering important dates?  Is it because you tend to react instantly to certain comments, without pausing to consider an alternative point of view?  Is it because you are unhappy with your life, and you unknowingly take it out on others? 

Find the underlying problem, describe it to the person (as an explanation, not an excuse), and tell them what you intend to do to rectify that problem so that you can avoid this mistake in the future.

An apology implies a commitment to change. 

A true apology entails a resolution, and you have to carry out your promise in order for the apology to be sincere and complete.  Otherwise, your apologies will lose their meaning, and trust may disappear beyond the point of no return.


"Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future." 
Paul Boese






 

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