Shattered yet whole

You tell all the boys "No"
Makes you feel good, yeah
I know you're out of my league
But that won't scare me away, oh, no

You've carried on so long
You couldn't stop if you tried it
You've built your wall so high
That no one could climb it
But I'm gonna try

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?

You let all the girls go
Makes you feel good, don't it?
Behind your Broadway show
I heard a boy say, "Please, don't hurt me"

You've carried on so long
You couldn't stop if you tried it.
You've built your wall so high
That no one could climb it.
But I'm gonna try

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, boy, take it off now, boy
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, tonight?

See beneath, see beneath,
I...
Tonight
I...

I'm gonna climb on top your ivory tower
I'll hold your hand and then we'll jump right out
We'll be falling, falling but that's OK
'Cause I'll be right here
I just wanna know

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl (take it off now, boy,take it off now, boy)
'Cause I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, oh, oh, tonight?
See beneath your beautiful, oh, tonight.
We ain't perfect, we ain't perfect, no.
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?

Labrinth's lyrics spoke to me rather louder than they might have done last week.  A good reminder of the fluidity of my own sense of self which changes like the weather, most days.  My studious weekend spent largely with colleagues considering the origins and risks to self esteem had prompted me to consider the fragility of self confidence, and how we construct this (if at all) and where therapy might fit within a reparative experience to discover and/or enhance it.   

 

We are each of us walking miracles.  Given how much we all weather, for the most part we are, it seems, incredibly resilient.  Where does this come from?  How is it that we survive the wounds we do, and bounce back from the most awful of injuries? 

 

Self esteem has, for some time, held something of a fascination for me.  Conceptually it hides, so as to require persistent revisiting, but never fully disappears into the shadows so as to totally baffle.  I think I know just about to know that I don't really know very much.  Which was why it was brilliant to remain quizzical amongst similarly interested colleagues.   

 

I learn best within a group context.  I am also challenged hardest in a group learning environment.  I both love and fear the word experiential.  And the key to my growth has certainly been exposure.  But this itself involves a risk.  The realisation on arrival that we were to be a closed group, already known to one another, invoked a sense of relief that I don't mind owning and certainly helped me get the most from the interactive workshop.

Thinking about where we get our self esteem from, what it looks and feels like when we have it, and where it goes was fantastically useful in thinking more about clients I have worked with whose primary presentation has stemmed from issues relating to self worth and self confidence - how they relate to themselves, and to the world.  Nature and nurture might have their part to play, but so too do how we engage with the social context in which we find ourselves.  The seemingly unbreakable pattern of ill fitting and thus unhappy relationships may well in part be co-created, including the painful games of rejection and abandonment. 

We none of us are perfect.  We are all beautiful.  We will all of us get rejected at different times.  This is part and parcel of life.  We need to be able to take it in our stride, and move on from these inevitable knock backs.  Locating and internalising our true strength is a lifetime's work that can, I believe, only take place in the context of a relationship.  Therapy can be a space in which crucial repair work can happen.  Shifts can and do take place, and cycles of re-enactments interrupted.  But this entails commitment and courage on both our parts...