She put it brilliantly when she pointed out how unusual we were. Amanda O'Donovan is a fantastic speaker. She engaged us from the outset, and I was hooked. In some ways, those sitting in the non-descript room at the OU in London, at Hawley Crescent represented a tough, or at least challenging audience. We are, as she said in her conclusion, all 'sexperts' of one form or another. But then that makes us no difference to anyone else. So Amanda would argue...
And I'm with her on this. The irony is that whilst sex surrounds us, those of us who enjoy talking about sex and are comfortable doing so, are but a tiny minority. It felt good to be among my tribe. I wouldn't have missed it. Meg Barker is something of a legend, in my book. Anything she puts her name to is sure to be good. And today was no exception.
Training opportunities are one thing. We all of us have CPD requirements, and my list of would-like-to-dos is neverending. Meeting simply for the sake of thinking and discussion is something quite different. There are far fewer dedicated spaces for this precious and yet vital dialogue, and so I make a point of getting in there whenever I can.
It's a small world, and I was reminded of this today as I entered a room in which I recognised about a third of the faces. I couldn't tell you their names, but somehow, I know these people to be friends. Or allies. So, whilst our opinions might be diffuse and even opposing, our commitment to their consideration is what really matters.
We are getting there. There now exist 'Sexual Wellbeing Services' within the NHS. We have come a long way, and this is a sure sign of change. Clinicians are talking about wellbeing and might even allude to pleasure. It's not all about dysfunction and disorder. Perhaps we are becoming just a tincy wincy bit more sex positive...?
Perhaps, maybe, hopefully. In certain, enlightened, corners.
It is of course impossible to separate sex from culture. Sex is a social construct. And this is Britain. So, what, exactly, do we mean when we refer to 'sex'? And what might we have to do, to overcome the blocks we've inherited and perhaps unknowingly perpetuated for so long?
I was delighted to be reminded on a psychosynthesis intensive I attended recently, that "we're all of us sexual beings". There are perhaps far too few environments and contexts in which we are given permission to express this. Amanda confirmed this by simply inviting the group of us eagerly sitting in front of her to turn to a neighbour, and talk about the last time we had had sex. The embarrassment and awkwardness was palpable. I am sure several people made hasty exits.
And there we were, an audience comprising individuals interested in working with sexuality and gender.
Trainings have a lot to answer for. Sexuality gets forgotten about, and neglected, all too often. With appalling consequences. We are responsible for maintaining or even growing a taboo. If we are never helped to talk about sex, then we probably never will talk about sex. Why do you think the self-help shelves are so well stocked in your local bookstore? (Or perhaps you'd rather buy from Amazon, and have the title discretely delivered in an anonymous cardboard box).
The reason sexuality struggles to thrive in our culture is that we fail to acknowledge that the relationship we have with this facet of our identity is lifelong. Sexuality does not, contrary to popular belief, commence with puberty. Sexuality is present in infancy, but you'll still struggle to find much literature about this. For too long childhood sexuality has been associated with abuse and paedophilia, and thus it is little surprise that we have such under developed, and under nourished concepts all too frequently contaminated with such profound confusion.
So what might we, as therapists who aspire to work effectively with our clients' gender and sexuality, do better? De-constructing our own identities is surely a sound starting point. Where did we get our ideas about gender and sexuality? What ideas did we reject, and why? How do these different ideas fit together? What impact might these have on the multiple identities and roles we each occupy?
It is, I feel very strongly, a duty incumbent upon any practitioner intending to work with gender and sexual diversity clients to check out fearlessly and thoroughly what we might unwittingly perpetuate in terms of the dominant discourses that inevitably surround us and which, if left unattended and unexplored, will likely suffocate us and stifle our work. After all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Amanda O'Donovan is Consultant Clinical Psychologist and Head of Psychology at Barts and the London NHS Trust in the Department of Infection & Immunity. She is an Honorary Clinical Lecturer at QMUL and UEL. She has specialised in clinical health psychology since 1998 working with populations including chronic illness, HIV, sexual health and wellbeing, pain, fatigue, sexual assault and sexuality. Her current research interests include mindfulness approaches to sexual dysfunction and sexual risk.
Meg Barker is a senior lecturer in psychology at The Open University and a UKCP accredited therapist. Meg's research, writing, and therapeutic practice focus on sex and relationships, particularly the ways in which these matters are represented in popular culture, advice, and therapy, and the understandings and practices of various sexual and relationship communities (notably bisexual, kink, and non-monogamous communities). Meg is the editor of the journal Psychology & Sexuality, as well as being co-author/editor of many books and paper on these topics, such as Safe, Sane & Consensual (Palgrave, 2007), Understanding Non-Monogamies (Routledge, 2010) and The Bisexuality Report (www.biuk.org). They have also published extensively on counselling and psychotherapy including the books Understanding Counselling & Psychotherapy (Sage, 2010), and Mindful Counselling and Psychotherapy (Sage, 2013), as well as Christina Richards and Meg Barker's book Sexuality and Gender for Mental Health Professionals: A Practical Guide (Sage, 2013) and Meg's own self-help style book Rewriting the Rules: An Integrative Guide to Sex, Love and Relationships (Routledge, 2013). Meg is also a regular blogger on www.rewriting-the-rules.com (megbarkerpsych on twitter).
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