The long and winding road... revisited

I wouldn't wish this particular chapter of the journey to anyone.  Having entered into previously unknown territory, my eyes have adjusted to the dusky conditions, and I am learning more each day.  The landscape of dementia is anything but pleasant.

  

It is everything I feared it would be, and a whole lot more besides.  I find myself uncomfortably perched in limbo.  I see a corridor of doors ahead, but have come to realise that many of them are illusions.  It is as though I am surrounded by mirrors.  I am horrified by the awful reflection I have beheld a hundred times.  

Chasing the diagnosis which seems ever more elusive, I have had no choice but acknowledge how cunning a villain this illness is.  A cluster of symptoms that leave you guessing whilst facets of the character of the person you love fade to become a little dimmer each week.

It is as though the lights that once shone bright are now an intermittent twinkle.  The illumination is unreliable, and the shadows as dark as they are long.  We grasp clumsily in the dark, trying to hold onto the glimpses of the mother we once took for granted who now makes only a rare, guest, appearance with a schedule so secret we are left standing, waiting, hoping.

    

Do not ask me to remember.

Don’t try to make me understand.

Let me rest and know you’re with me.

Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I’m confused beyond your concept.

I am sad and sick and lost.

All I know is that I need you.

To be with me at all cost.

Do not lose your patience with me.

Do not scold or curse or cry.

I can’t help the way I’m acting.

Can’t be different though I try.

Just remember that I need you.

That the best of me is gone.

Please don’t fail to stand beside me.

Love me ‘til my life is done.

Unknown

I've learned so much throughout my life

but there’s much I don’t recall.

I know it’s in there somewhere

but it’s hard to find it all.

It’s not that I’ve forgotten you,

or the things I said I’d do;

I remember everything

but it’s hidden somewhere I can’t see

just beyond my view.

You see, there is a shadow where 

there didn’t used to be,

and sometimes when I look right there

it just confuses me.

I remember lovely flowers,

and songs I used to sing.

I remember springtime showers,

and rainbows they would bring.

I remember movies

and who would be the star,

but sometimes it’s so hard for me

to know just who you are.

I love to watch a baseball game

or listen to the birds.

I love to tell you secrets.

I love to hear your words.

I love for you to sit with me;

perhaps you’ll hold my hand

and tell me that you love me: 

that I’ll understand.

My mind has ways of taking me

where I don’t want to go.

I know I know your name, you see;

just right now it’s hard for me

to think of things I really know,

and to know what really is

and what may not be so.

Though I might forget you,

it’s important that you see

just how much it means to me

that you remember me.
Daniel Mark