The privilege

I now know that whoever it was that described being with someone in their final moments as a privilege was absolutely right.  A week ago I did not have the experience to understand fully the meaning of the statement.

We don't come into this world alone...  This passing thought brought with it some clarity that to my reflections as I paused awhile to consider my decision to be present at a loved one's death.  To be there.  To really be there.  

Now, I have no choice but to see with your eyes,
so I am not alone, so you are not alone.
Yannis Ritsos

I was there, and I'm glad I was.  It was something I wanted to do.  I honoured she who gave me life, by being there as hers ended.  I hope it brought her the comfort I think I gained by being there.  

Death is something that I spend a lot of time thinking about.  Wearing my professional hat I have amassed and percolated some knowledge of the different psychological theories relating to loss, and endings, grief and mourning.  But books, abstracts and articles, training days and CPD lectures only go so far.  They are someone else's take on something we will all encounter at some stage.

People fear death even more than pain.  

It's strange that they fear death.  

Life hurts a lot more than death.  

At the point of death, the pain is over.  

Jim Morrison

Life and death cannot, I think, be truly separated from one another, and yet it is very easy to disconnect from the latter.  The shame of this is that few of us will have the difficult conversations until it's too late, by which time they are very much more difficult.  

Whilst death surrounds us, most of us try to remain as oblivious as we can manage.  We try not to see it, and therefore attempt to avoid thinking about it, let alone speaking about it.

This week I discovered exactly how many decisions there are.  A great many of them can be given thought ahead of time, allowing them to simply be acted upon when the time comes.  Leaving such things unconsidered can mean that matters that could (and perhaps should) be given ample consideration, are rushed and the resulting outcomes are not necessarily as personal as they might be.

Death is about so much more than saying goodbye, but we need to say goodbye in order to fully comprehend and move into the transition it represents.  The rites and rituals that we surround the completion of life with can be helpful without being meaningful:  if we board a runaway vehicle we run the risk of missing the very journey which we might benefit most from taking.  

True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.

It is a committed, thoughtful decision.

M. Scott Peck