The Reward is the Journey

My ride today was possibly my favourite ever outing on two wheels.  An unplanned reconnaissance expedition, which took me out and about the North Somerset countryside for just shy of 32 miles.  I did not anticipate the climbs.  A precursory glance at an OS map might have been well advised.  My legs will doubtless tell the story tomorrow.  I had but one unfortunate mishap en route.  Having miscalculated an incline, I discovered myself to be a gear that was too high for the sharp incline.  There was no option other than to admit defeat, which I did none to gracefully crashing down on a welcoming verge which was thankfully there in lieu of a pavement. My being ‘in the regions’ meant that a concerned and charming motorist pulled over, to enquire as to whether I was alright.  I was.  She took one look at my cleats, and expressed disdain (on the basis of her own experience), suggesting that they were probably not advisable around the locality...

Two dear friends have both been victims of strokes recently.  Horrid reminders of one’s frailty, they seize their moments and have left a trail of concern in their wake.  One was a TIA, the other a more serious episode.  Both required hospitalisation.  It got me thinking about my own cognitive functioning, in a way I tend not to – we don’t realise how much we have, until we can no longer call upon it.  The stroke ward looked much like any other hospital ward I have visited.  But there was a particular tone to the quietness that felt heavy, almost ominous.  The staff were pleasant, and attentive.  Watching and waiting for important indicators of progression or regression.  I flicked through the leaflets there for patients, and their visitors.  I was struck by one in particular advertising a service undertaken by professional actors who read to stroke patients, and help their recovery in this way.  I had not previously heard of ...

I didn't know I was an adrenaline junkie.  But it appears I am.  I think you have to be, to take to the streets of London on two wheels.  Either that, or someone who would fit somewhere on some clinical spectrum.  I could probably meet the criteria for one of two DSM diagnoses, but we needn't go there... Some days I choose to pedal.  Others I get in my car, and drive.  More often, I take the bus.  The point is, I have choices.  I have different identities I can move between.  Without so much as batting an eyelid (or is that eyelash?)  It's a little like my clothes.  My appearance changes with my mood.  I have a degree of choice as to which version of myself I present to the world.  And I occupy a different self when I'm home alone.   I'm not the same person at work as I am at home.  I'm not the same person around my family, as when in the company of my friends.  I may be a different person depending...

If I needed a reminder about why I've undertaken my first sportive this summer, being shown an extraordinary video on YouTube this afternoon sufficed.  I hadn't previously heard of Team Hoyt.  The incredible father and son combo that didn't stop with Marathons but went on to smash Iron Man competitions... My own training is underway.  I've not got a great deal to report, but it is happening.  The weather has helped.  Enormously.  Each morning that I open my blinds to see sunshine is a blessing.  And I am trying to make the most of it.  This week I've clocked up a few miles a-round town.  It's been fun.  The potholes don't always make for a smooth journey, but the road is rarely smooth however we travel. I'm eager to get out of the city, and spread my proverbial wings.  I am looking forward to getting out onto open roads and exploring in a more rural setting.  I've got my work cut out.  In a matter of weeks I wi...

Three times in less than thirty minutes is something of a record for me... As I walked into the restaurant I was greeted in a very familiar, but inappropriate manner. Secondly, as I was invited to place my order. And the irresistible hat-trick as I left.   In English, we are required to go out of our way to specify the gender of the person to whom we are talking. And yet it happens when least expected, and completely unnecessary.  Effective communication does not require us to assume gender.  It is utterly superfluous and, as I was reminded so powerfully by this brief visit to a local restaurant, a road full of deep potholes.   The way I think and feel about my gender today is something of a work in progress.  I think it probably always will be.  As I live, I learn.  As I continue to reflect on gender, the less I think I know.  The more I might come to understand...  In the meantime, whilst thought provoking, and particul...

Freediving is something of a new found passion.  I am a complete beginner.  But that's alright.  In fact, given the safe hands I was in on Saturday, it was very much more than alright.  I had a brilliant time. It is joyously peaceful being underwater. I knew this before the weekend.  That was what drew me towards freediving in the first place.  The swimming pool is a place of solace.  It is where I feel most truly peaceful.  I have had moments of clarity in the pool.  I have had glimpses of serenity whilst submerged. Swimming is one thing.  Freediving is another, though the two are not unrelated.  I approached the learning of a new skill in freediving and apnea with a degree of confidence.  I am a strong swimmer, and I previously undertook open water training to SCUBA dive.   Freediving is about keeping it simple.  Really simple.  There are few rules.  There is little equipment.  And that's...

Today, normal is good.  Average is fine.  Routine and predictability are to be celebrated.  These are all hallmarks of my life which looks rather different to how it might have done.  If you always do what you've always done, you're very likely to always get what you always got.  If nothing changes, chances are, nothing will change.  These little snippets, whilst not the most grammatically exciting, are observations from the school of life.  I didn't learn them at any of the five universities I have attended to date. Yoga and meditation are important components of my week.  Without them, something is likely to feel incomplete, or out of balance.  So I try and show up.  My practice is not sufficiently developed, and my focus not always terribly easy to gather and direct, so I benefit from instruction.  I practice alongside others.  We have a collective purpose.  A shared intention and a common goal. We begin each c...

It was a shock.  When it comes to London roads, I never like to see cyclists anywhere but on their bikes.  Preferably with the full complement of helmet and visibility garb plus an array of bright lights.  With summer seemingly taking forever to arrive with us, lights are a good idea - morning, noon and night.   He lay there, motionless, and wrapped in something that looked warm.  The road looked cold, and inhospitable.  There was police presence, but no ambulance staff or paramedics that I could see.  Such sights are never pleasant. There was nothing I could do to help at that point, so I continued along my way, rather cautiously - I felt shaken and shivered in sympathy. A friend asked me how I rode a bike in London.  I don't have an answer.  Courage and common sense are required in equal measure.  Concentration is essential.  I think it helps that I am a sometime motorist.  I know all too well how distracted my fello...

I love London.  I also love escaping London.  This weekend was the perfect occasion to get away.  And that's precisely what I did.  I loved getting away, a little after most people had done so.  A spontaneous decision to make haste towards a change of scenery.  Which I appreciated from the moment I woke on Saturday morning. Rye is a beautiful and quaint town.  It is, in some ways, a quintessential English seaside town.  It made for the ideal retreat.  And whilst I wasn't the only person with this bright idea, this fact took nothing away from the overall blissful experience.  Spending time with a friend I no longer see as often as I'd like to (or probably should, given the reality which is that we are only separated by a couple of hours in the car) was heavenly.  We simply went with the flow over the weekend.  And it all flowed beautifully.  It usually does.  Walking to Camber Sands, heading into th...

Easter weekend.  Really?!  It's come round so fast.  Where did the last three months disappear to?  And what has happened to Spring.  The weather in London first thing yesterday and this morning has been deceptive.  But it did the trick.  There was hope.  It was possible to be optimistic.  The getting-to-work always feels easier when the sun shows its face.  We've seen so little of it that one could be forgiven for forgetting what morning sunshine is.   Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life.    Seneca It's a good lesson in counting one's blessings.  I choose to live here.  After all.  Wouldn't live anywhere else.  Not just now, anyway.  So here I am.  And here we are.  And get on we should.  So I have been.  But it's been going pretty quickly.  In the blink of an eye it's the start of the new tax year.  How did that ha...

Sometimes the simple things really are the best.  His chair was brilliant.  I was there with him, hanging on his every word.  Our stories are different, as they so often are, but it didn't matter in the least.  I heard exactly what I needed to hear.  And he got to do a bit of service.  He was right of course.  Everyone sat on a chair was, and is a miracle.  And miracles do happen.  There's nothing mystical about recovery.  But there is lots that doesn't make a lot of sense.  It is a wise suggestion to keep things simple, as it could easily get way too complicated if I tried to think about it.  It's a program of action for good reason, too.  Sitting around, thinking about things, hasn't got many people very far.  And most of us need to get a very long way away from where we were.  So there is work to be done.  And guidance is offered every step of the way.   But do the steps we should.  I...

I am drawn to films claiming to portray issues pertaining to the work of fellow psych professionals, or mental health issues.  That was how I came to see Side Effects (2013).  That, and the fact that I'd seen (the brilliant)  Arbitrage (2012) the previous evening.  Side Effects has perhaps one too many twists. It's brilliantly clever, and I was utterly engrossed throughout. But there were some obstacles to overcome. The first of which was the believability factor. It simply wouldn't happen that way. There is something known as Professional Indemnity that would have had a radical bearing on the story line - altering it substantially - albeit with consequently compromised drama. It was, I think, a great portrayal of someone with undiagnosed Personality Disorder. There was some minor and fleeting reference to an alternative diagnosis towards the end of the movie, when psychiatrist Jonathan Banks (played by Jude Law who, my fellow cinema-goers and I a...

Sunday was awesome.  I did not anticipate that we would ride for so long.  Charlotte probably didn't either. I feel certain that four laps would ordinarily take her a lot less time.  But she remains ever patient, and super supportive.  Her gentle words of encouragement, delivered with such heart and always at precisely the right moment, count for everything.  Particularly when I'm busting my lungs, not to mention my legs, trying to get up Broomfield Hill.  We rode around the Park four times.  Twice in each direction.  It was brilliant.  It was hard.   I have a little over four months until my first ever cyclo-sportive.  One hundred miles on two wheels.  And I'm just a little bit scared.  There's no need.  Of course.  And little point.  Obviously.  Every ounce of energy needs to be wisely invested.  I simply need to concentrate on getting fitter, and hopefully faster.  My legs are st...

Mink, we agreed.  As opposed to mouse.  I've never possessed many mousey qualities.  I don't like them much, either.   Carol is, to my mind, something of a genius.  She is my hairdresser.  But she is so much more besides.  Having highlighted my hair on and off for the last ten years, it has felt both strange and brilliant to get to know my own hair colour. And I've even had compliments.  They concern me less than the sense of authenticity and alignment that accompanied the decision (and the haircut).  This is part of me.  Plain and simple, yet far from straightforward.   I believe it to be the journey of a lifetime, to become the person you truly are.  Joseph Campbell said it was the privilege of a lifetime.  Ralph Waldo Emerson described it as the greatest accomplishment, to be oneself in a world that is constantly trying to make one into something else.  I am a work in progress.  That much I kn...

I had almost forgotten about this film, but I shouldn't have done - it was brilliant. So, a guy loses his job and travels through France with his son.  His sister reluctantly takes him in (well, she feels obliged to do so).  He gets a job as a bouncer working in a cl ub - where there's a fight.  Guy meets girl - who works with killer whales.  Girl has a horrific accident at her workplace.  Girl calls guy.  Guy takes her swimming - and then to bed.  His behaviour deteriorates.  He causes his sister to lose her job.  She asks him to leave - which he does - leaving behind the girl, and his son - again.  Guy's brother-in-law brings his son to him - young boy nearly dies in dramatic accident - but survives.  Guy and girl get back together... The synopsis really doesn't tell the story that underlies this fantastic film in which one's emotions are pushed to the limit on more than one occasion.  It's challenging and thoug...

As a therapist with a special interest in our relationships with substances, it is important for me to remember the terrifying prospect that abstinence may represent to many people.  As someone who works with many gender and sexual diversity clients, I have noticed the overlap between those who might identify as belonging to a minority group and those who are primarily interested in reducing, or controlling their usage of drugs and alcohol.  From a therapeutic perspective, the distinction is all important.  The goals and objectives look very different for the client, and therefore for our work together.  The Club Drug Clinic at Chelsea & Westminster Hospital and CODE at 56 Dean Street in Soho know this better than most.  Working with LGBTQ individuals who use substances requires an appreciation of the particular contexts in which drugs are being used.  Drugs have come to play an important part of the scene for many communities, and without this know...

Mercifully, most of us will never have to experience the devastating cocktail of emotions faced by those left behind when someone close disappears.  As a society, we are not well equipped to conceive the impact that hits someone as they come to realise that someone they love is missing.  It is as though missing is still missing from our social and cultural agenda.  We are, I suspect, guilty of guarding against the unbearable.  There is a void in the support structures available to the friends and family who plunge into an abyss of unknowns as, unlike many other struggles and difficulties that we have been forced to acknowledge, all too often, missing itself gets lost from the political agenda, leaving the pain of those who live this nightmare, unseen and unheard.  Since joining the Services Team at Missing People a little over two years' ago, I have been thinking in some depth about supporting the individuals and families that the cha...

Arriving home, after a full day and a long week, to find my bedroom had been flooded was a nasty shock.  It took a little while to set in, and then a longer while to shift.  My bedroom is (ordinarily) something of a sanctuary.  A home within my home.  A nest.  A place to rest, relax, and re-calibrate   Seeing the water pouring in, through the ceiling, was another very unpleasant reminder of my powerlessness.  There was nothing, in that moment, that I could physically do to remedy the situation.  It was what it was, and I had to simply watch the water come through for the next three and a half hours.  Splashing, then splishing, then dropping, then dripping.  Water always finds a course.  This course was vertical - down onto my bed, my carpet, and everything around.   It could indeed have been a whole lot worse.  Now, I can value the philosophical input I have received over the weekend.  It was not entire...

It felt like coming home.  It had been too long.  And my back, neck and hips told the story.  There is such a powerful connection between the body and mind, to neglect one is to deprive the other.  The two must be nourished in tandem.  And so, as I lay there, concentrating on my breath and trying to go with, rather than against, I was reminded how important physical therapies are, alongside and complementary to, talking therapy.  I hadn't exactly forgotten, yet this felt like a revelation.  There is head knowledge, and there is body wisdom.  I guess I got a taste of the latter.  My spine will thank me.